Fiona

'Look Ok Feel Crap' pretty much sums up how I've been for the last few months!!

I knew something was wrong when I really couldn't be bothered with Christmas - normally I'm beyond excited at the prospect of parties and presents but last year I felt like I couldn't face it. I went through a break-up, moved cities, changed jobs, sold a house and bought a flat in the space of a few months and thought that I just needed to pull myself together. After all, there are plently of people worse off than me in the world! And I'm a strong person who can normally cope. Yes, like most people I expect, I've had up and down days in the past but nothing like this - I just felt like I couldn't cope with real life anymore, couldn't stop crying, could be bothered with my family, friends and work. I stopped going to the gym and spent hours curled up in my bed thinking I was useless and hopeless. And yet, all the time I pretended to the outside world that I was fine, that I was my usual cheery self, that life was good and I was coping with everything.

I finally faced up to reality when I was sitting in my GP surgery 3 months ago with tonsilitis for the 4th time in 4 months. I burst into tears during the consultation and poured out how crap and useless I was feeling. Luckily my doctor has been extremely supportive, as have my work, friends and family. I am receiving counselling and am currently prescribed 30mg citalopram daily - both have been extremley beneficial in reducing my anxiety and helping me get back to myself. I know it is a long slow road to recovery and at times I feel frustrated that I just don't quite feel fine. But I am determined to get there and I have found that being open and honest about my depression has helped me face up to it and made it easier for people around me to come to terms with. I agree that the fear of being judged is sometimes overwhelming but I generally feel that anyone who feels the need to judge me is not worth bothering with. I feel that I am fortunate that I am surrounded by friends, family and work colleagues who are totally there for me - supportive rather than sympathetic.

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