Here's where i am at the moment; i am learning how to live in peace, not war!

The cold war ended in 1989 when the Berlin wall came down and the border was opened up; there would be no hordes of invading Russian troops now; Russia had collapsed. For over 45 years troops of both sides sat in watch posts with machine guns, waiting for a threat that never materialized. Yes it came close in the Cuban missile crisis, but both sides were able to cool things down and we had an uneasy peace that lasted until the wall came down. We no longer needed the wall so it was taken down.

My war started when I was a young boy; I was threatened, I was physically, emotionally, psychologically and finally sexually abused. The sexual abuse happened later, by two different people; but the other abuses were inflicted by my mother, and my older brother. I say it happened from the age of 5 years old.
I'm 48 now; I have been manning my post for over 43 years!

I'm now stood down, my mission complete. The wall has been knocked down, i am free from attack. My aggressors retreated 13 years ago; my side of the family were told in no uncertain terms that they were no longer welcome for talks as they had lost the right due to continued attempts at undermining, overpowering, and/or disregarding me and my needs. All sanctions were c*t and so were the now damaged ties between us. Yet I still manned my post.

My war is over; my enemies have gone, but the pain they caused me didn’t go with them, it was their legacy to me, not a very good one. Now I am in counseling effectively dealing with PTSD from my abuses, rehabilitating from my injuries; mental, emotional, psychological and others, the wall is down but I’m still hurt. I stayed at my post until about 6 months ago.

I have thus lived on the edge of alert now for 43 or so years; I became used to alerts, I learned to deal with them, I learned how to survive, I developed coping strategies. I never sent any missiles, but I fired back in self defence on a number of occasions. I lived on the edge of alert ready for a QRA at any time.

It’s like this now. I wait for the storm; I live in the calm before it; but it doesn’t come! There are no attacks. I'm not used to this, I am "ready". I am wondering where my troops will be detached to now; what theatre of war will I be operating in? Will I have a Gulf war; will I have an afghan war? Most probably not.

The war industry is idle; there is no war to spend money on; the weapon and ammo factories are laid off, I am stood down. I need to learn to live again; in civvy street. It’s not easy; I’m bored, with nothing to aim at (even though I won’t fire at the target). I need to learn to live in peace, its not easy; not when you have been living in the readiness shelter on seemingly permanent QRA roles (Quick Reaction Alert; an RAF term for being on readiness, waiting in the jet; waiting for orders to scramble and take off on an interception over the North Sea. This was a typical scenario for many years following the Second World War).

Who will help me to live in the peace that is now all around me? What shall I do to occupy my time? How do I learn to cope? I am a survivor, I have lived through it all, and I’m not going to leave now! I'm de-mobbed, and back in the real world and trying to learn to live with NO threat.

I have privately studied the Second World War and the cold war; this is how i can think of such a parallel between it and my own battles. I feel it to be a very valid; my war is over and I am trying to live in peace. It won’t be easy, but I’ll get there; I don’t want to be just a survivor; I want to be a THRIVER!

markh.